Last updated on 29 August 2009

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Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood

The Washington Post neologism

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:


1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (that one got extra credit)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Cough up the money

The boy is holding a coin. After a few minutes in the book store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied, "Divorce attorney".

One for parents of teenagers

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.  It was addressed 'Dad'.  With the worst premonition he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands,

'Dear Dad, it is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.  I've been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.  But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.  Stacy said that we will be very happy, she owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.  Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.  We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.  In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better, she sure deserves it!  Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself, someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.  Call when it is safe for me to come home.’

Small joke

Bad start to a morning......
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf. He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's how the fight started!!

Smaller joke

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his Mum. While his Mum put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his Mum.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."

You're just not in touch...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear ... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let's get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one missing a sheep from my top paddock. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while ... You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

What your shopping trolley says about you

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of romaine lettuce
2 lb. can of coffee
And a 1lb pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Fire Fighter

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster "

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Leafy Avenue

A guy is stuck out of town for a few days and, in the evening, looking for some social interaction. He walks into a bar and, it being midweek, finds that things are quiet. He sits down and nurses a beer. As he finishes his beer, the barman offers him another and quietly points out that there’s actually a very good looking woman sitting quietly in the far corner. Thinking nothing ventured, nothing gained, the guy wanders over and finds that the woman is actually stunning attractive as well as on her own. He asks if he can get her a drink and sit down.

They chatter happily for hours and get on like a house on fire. As the night draws to a close, he decided to be bold and ask if a “hand-job” would be out of the question. Far from throwing the remains of her drink in this face or slapping him, the woman says “Of course, but it will cost you a lot”. The man asks “How much?” “£250”, she says. At this point the man spits the mouth-full of scotch that he was about to swallow but, instantly, she says “Come and look”. The woman takes the man to the back door of the bar, opens it and points to a Ferrari neatly parked against the far kerb and says “My hand-jobs are sooooo good that I’ve managed to pay for that car on the proceeds”. The man takes her up on the offer, they go back to the hotel and, indeed, the hand-job is world class and well worth the money.

The next night finds the two of them at the same table and, after the previous night’s success, the man decided, once again, to try his luck and this time asks if a “blow-job” would be out the question. Again the woman agrees but this time puts the price at £750. Now the man knows that the hand-job was world class even if it was expensive but £750 is still a lot of hard-earned cash. Seeing his hesitation, the woman again takes him to the back door and this time, pointing across the road beyond the Ferrari, asks if he sees the apartment block. “You mean that one with the lights on?” asks the man. “No,” says the woman, “the whole apartment block. My blow-jobs are that good that I’ve managed to pay for the whole block out of the proceeds.” Impressed the man takes her back to his hotel and again finds that his money is well spent.

The third night finds them firm friends and back at the same table. After a convivial evening, the man decides to go for broke and this time asks if sex would be on offer. The woman smiles knowingly and says “Of course but the price is £2500”. Before the man can even react, the woman leads him across to the door on the opposite side of the bar from door previously used, opens it and points to the beautiful, leafy, tree-lined avenue of elegant houses stretching into the night. The man, stunned, immediately says “Don’t tell me that you bought the whole street from the proceeds of selling sex at £2500 a time.” The woman looks at him coolly and says “No, but I would have done if I’d had a pussy!”

The Conductor

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen.

Thank you for travelling with us.”

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there."
"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men March down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's All over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it Around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday ... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

The French

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up; everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians; everything inside them is colour-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine.  Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

Things aren't always what they seem to be

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.  When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

How to be good

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of Panadol and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.  He takes the Panadol and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."  So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"  His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, kicked the cat, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."  Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone; I'm married!"

Supermodels

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!" Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst.
Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.  Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!" Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces - which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts - which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and knickers to expose her "love triangle".  Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"

Chinese Confusion in the Oval Office?

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.  We take you now to the Oval Office.  Condoleezza Rice, Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs enters. . .

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

The Rooster

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the country to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.
The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."
The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"
The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."
The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there... he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.
The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."
The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever imagine."
Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of his truck. As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...
The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"
Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too. The farmer is starting to get a little worried. Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife! Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere.
He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of  vultures circling overhead.
The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."
Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."

Object Lesson

Students at the City of London Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.  Then the professor started the class by telling them 'In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.  The first is that it is necessary that you will not be 'disgusted'. The professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the arse of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. 'Go ahead and do the same thing' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the arse of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: 'The second important quality is observation - I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index.
Pay attention people!!'

Something about Americans

Three tourists were travelling in South America: an Irishman, a Frenchman and a blond American. They all found themselves in a bar in a small Latin American country which was ruled by a strict dictator. As luck would have it, they got into an argument and a bar fight soon started. The local military police arrived and arrested them.

At their trial before a tribunal, they learned their luck was even worse than they had thought. The bar was owned by the brother of the dictator. The three of them were promptly sentenced to five years in solitary confinement.

Before they were taken away to prison, the judge said, "You are foreigners to our country. I will grant you each one favour. You may choose one item to help you pass the time in our prison. What do you wish for?"

The Irishman asked for a five years supply of fine Irish whiskey. The Frenchman asked for a five year supply of fine French wine. The blond American requests a five year supply of cigarettes. The judge grants all three requests. The three were led off to prison and thrown into individual cells down in the dark, damp basement of the prison.

Five years later they were let out one by one. First the Irishman was released. He staggered out, drunk, barely able to stand, and quickly stumbled out of the prison without saying a word. The Frenchman was released next. He swaggered out, rather drunk himself, and walked out into freedom. The blond American was released last. He stepped out into freedom and said, "Does anyone have a f*%#ing match?"

And one in their favour

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*%# you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Mathematics

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.  How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little maths that might prove helpful.  What makes life 100%?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then

H A R D W O R K = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
but
A T T I T U D E = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
B U L L S H I T = 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.  And look how far:

A S S K I S S I N G = 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% will take you.....!

The Ark

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all you're the Guv".
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch - this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah
"Yep, fish, well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?"
"Check".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether... Dunno", says God, "I just fancied owning the first Multi-Storey Carp Ark!"

Three Men and a Genie's Lamp

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.

About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Postman Pat?

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.
At the second house they presented him with some fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house a dumb blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.' The breakfast was my idea."

Quickies

EU Directive 456179:

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2001.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: "Euronating".

**********

Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened he coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards. When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing.

**********

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? But I don't even have a racket."

**********

A kangaroo kept getting out of its cage.  Knowing how high he could hop the keepers erected a 10 foot fence.  He was out again the next day.  The keepers erected a 20 foot high fence.  He was out again the next day.  When the fence was 40 foot high the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they will go?"
The kangaroo said, “About 1000 feet, unless someone remembers to shut the gate at night.”

How to see Capitalism

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

What do call a......

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye?
A dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?
A bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?
F**king talented!

Smart women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.  She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.  The frog said to her,"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 time more or better!"  The woman said, "That would be okay, "and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."  So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."  So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them!!

Baby Bliss

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Over two dozen babies are in the ward, each of them screaming and crying. One of the new-borns though, is smiling and grinning from ear to ear.  A nurse comes by and to the gay couple's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Ben exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so noticeably happy."

"He's happy now," replies the nurse, "but just wait until we take the dummy out of his butt."

Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong. 

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.  At 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny'  speech.  When I was 8,  you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech.  If you tell me that grown-ups don't really f**k, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Young Confessional

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.

Creation

So God asked Adam....what is wrong with you?
Adam said....I don't have anyone to talk to.
God said....he would make Adam a companion, that it would be a woman.
God told Adam:  this person will gather your food, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and she will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and she will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked....what will a woman like that cost?
God replied...an arm and a leg.
Then Adam asked....what can I get for a rib?
The rest is history!

Creation ... again

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.  "How's things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful ... but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me.  The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this you know. I gave the animals what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"  And God reaches down and rips the middle breast right off, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.  "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.  "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part.

You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."  God thought for a moment. You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have
overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you!

Now, let's see ... where did I leave that useless tit?"

Revenge

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.  They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."  He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"  He asks her. "Shall we?"  She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you s**t on its head."

The fundamental differences between men and women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Spud.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20,even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Perspective

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, from da Bronx."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter into the Kingdom."   The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of New Covenant Tabernacle for the last 37 years."
Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister.  "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter..."While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Mr Kipling?

This guy was at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts!

"Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly."   "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so".  "Fine!" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?  They're about to break."  "Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!"

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours.  When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.  "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" 
 
"Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him.  He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake or sleep with him."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", he asked.  She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead? I don't think so!!"

Slow boat to nowhere

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea.  When she went down the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.

"Look, you've got a lot to live for, " he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me."   "What are you doing for him?" said the captain.  "He's shafting me" said the girl.

"He certainly is," replied the captain.  "This is the Isle of Wight ferry!"

A better bar

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are Having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye  buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"   The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your Forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two.  "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister".

Wrong address

Apparently this is true:

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.   Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. 

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preachers wife whose husband had only just died. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.  Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought.  You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Madness

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end.  He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.  David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act.  He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor says, "We have good news and bad news for you, David!  The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses.  Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved,  Mr John, hung himself in the bathroom and died."

David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry."

Health Care Programs

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.  "Oh my God," said the Queen, "That's disgraceful! What is the meaning of this?"

The Doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your majesty, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen.  If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly."  "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor: "Same problem, better health plan."

Why and what?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."

How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Men are like...

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking Spaces. The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High Heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling Irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like.....Toilets. Either they are engaged or full of shit.

Ouch!

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and tied his wife to the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have ex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom... Be strong ... and... I love you too."

Serious Burns Unit

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims, "Fair fa'yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

A bit taken aback, the Englishman goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient orates, "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit." Whereupon the next patient rises  to his feet and declaims, "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"Nay," the Scottish doctor corrects him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

Cured

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

Ghandi

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he ate very little and became frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a:

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Dog handler

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is seated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the Customs and Excise.

The dog handler says to the first man "Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog; the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search."
 
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."  He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."  "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."; "That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles.  He goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the hell is going on?"

The handler replies "He's just found a bomb!"

Another plane one

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses, closes his eyes for a couple of seconds, takes a lingering deep breath, looks to the ceiling and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Who needs a BMW?

A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and is started to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that he could be pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowhere to be found.
Without a moment to spare, the chicken got into the farmer's BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and proceeded to pull the horse to safety. A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time around, the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken instructed the horse to get the farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.
Replied the horse, "Nope, here's the plan... I'll stand over the hole..." The horse stretched over the length of the hole and continued, "Now, just grab for my dick and pull yourself to safety."
The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled herself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Police jokes

A guy in California is driving his new Jag xkr along the freeway when he notices the blue flashing lights of a patrol car in his mirror, he looks at his speedo and realises that he has been speeding. He thinks "They'll never keep up with this" and he accelerates as fast as his xkr will, a moment later he realises that he cannot outrun the police radio and so he pulls in.

The officer approaches the car and says to the driver "Listen, it's half an hour since I should have finished my shift. It's Friday the 13th and I can't be bothered with any more paperwork, give me a reason I have never heard before for that driving and I'll let you go".

The driver replies with "My wife left me last week to live with a cop, and I thought that you were trying to give her back".

"Have a nice day sir" replies the cop as he walks away!

**********

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

**********

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious.

Get the drift?

A hot air balloonist realises he is lost. He spots a man down below, reduces height and shouts.  "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a basket under a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in information technology," says the balloonist.
"I do." replies the man. "How did you know?'
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be an IT Manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Colin

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President George Dubya," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, George W. spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.  After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so
let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?"

Another one with the Pope in it

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

Blondes again and again and again...

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked,  "Why are you standing here all alone? Why don't you go and join those boys playing soccer over there?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f**king goalie."

***********

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear?"

***********

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

***********

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

***********

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.  She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

***********

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped." "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Ooh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

***********

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she complained, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

***********

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells at the top of her voice, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little b*stard on your knee!"

***********

Three blondes were stuck on an island. One of the blondes found a Genie lamp and the Genie granted each blonde a wish.
The first blonde wished to be 25% smarter; so the Genie turned her into a redhead and she swim to shore.
The second blonde wished to be 50% smarter; so the Genie turned her into a brunette and she built a raft and paddled to shore.
The third blonde wished to be 100% smarter; so the Genie turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.

Feeling good at 47

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday, so she spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down your panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".

The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds!!"

The Dangers of Cosmetic Surgery

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? ! Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Nothing to Eat?

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.   She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

"Well", she says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

A bad day in Space

The following is a transcript of a joke told to the Commander of Mir, Vasily Tsibiliyev, in late June 1997 after he had been having sleep problems following the crash of a Progress re-supply vessel into the Spektr module:
[I heard] a very good joke on TV yesterday. This is something for you before you go to bed. A patient comes to see a doctor and tells him that he has trouble sleeping, that he is in a difficult situation because of it at work, and that his wife was leaving him. And the problem was that he had been having the same dream over and over again over the last two months. What dream?, the doctor asks. About cockroaches playing soccer. And that does not let me sleep. Help, please.
Having taken a long time to think about it, the doctor comes out with a pill....
The comm. breaks up. Can you hear us? Do you copy? Good Night, guys.
Tsibliyev breaks in: Finish the joke, for Pete's sake. The doctor comes out with a pill...
And says, Take the pill and you will sleep like a log for two weeks.
The patient says, Can I take it tomorrow?
Why?
They've got the finals tonight.
Understand.

And you thought computing was challenging?

This is supposed to be a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from recording monitoring the customer care department. Apparently the HelpDesk employee was fired, however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without cause’ (and some say he/she should have been promoted!):Ridge Hall computer assistance, may I help you?
‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with Word Perfect’
‘What sort of trouble?’
‘Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away’
‘Went away?’
‘They disappeared’
‘Hmm. So what does the screen look like now?
‘Nothing’
‘Nothing?’
‘It’s blank, it won’t accept anything I type’
‘Are you still in Word Perfect or did you get out?’
‘How do I tell?’
‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?’
‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
‘Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?’
‘There isn’t any cursor. I told you, it won’t accept anything I type’
‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?’
‘What’s a monitor?’
‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’
‘I don’t know’
‘Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?’
‘Yes, I think so’
‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall’
‘Yes it is’
‘When you were behind the monitor did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?’
‘No’
‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable’
‘Okay, here it is’
‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer’
‘I can’t reach it’
‘Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?’
‘No’
‘Even if maybe you put your knee on something and lean over?’
‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle it’s because it’s dark’
‘Dark?’
‘Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window’ ‘Well, turn on the office light then’
‘I can’t’
‘No? Why not?’
‘Because there’s a power failure’
‘A power …..A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?’
‘Well, yes I keep them in the closet’
‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from’
‘Really? Is it that bad?’
‘Yes, I’m afraid it is’
‘Well, all right then I suppose. What do I tell them?’
‘Tell them you’re too f***ing stupid to own a computer’

The Joys of Computing
Make sure you have the Status bar on: View / Status Bar / ticked.

And then again?

Tech Support: "How may I help you?"
Customer: "I'm writing my first email."
Tech Support: "OK, what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well I can get the 'a'. But how do I put the circle around it?"

MS v. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Holmes and Watson go camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of  stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke...
"Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent!"...

Software Programmers

[This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.]

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they've gone to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively... then gape as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove "that" part of the infantry coding...
and Americans leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife...

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place...

A French lesson

"House," in French, is feminine "la maison."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.   Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term  memory for possible later retrieval; and
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn  them on;
2) They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Accountants

Comprehending Accountants - Take One

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want." The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both."
"Both?"
The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four

"An Accountant and His Frog"
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

The Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, Ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but ;after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine! The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and wailed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the; wrong bitch out the window."

Three blind mice

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighbourhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse............
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

The Doors

In a hotel room, Jim Morrisson is in one corner with Ray Manzarek & the rest of the band. In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and finally the keyboard player.  When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts.......

"You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off !!"

Hotter than Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So, which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan, at the tender age of 18 years, during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and taking into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Subject: Technical Support

To Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Thanks
Joe

Dear Joe Screwed,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings - Alimony /Child Support."

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.; The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the " Esc " key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take responsibility for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance is required.

Consider buying addition software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. Recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Short Skirt Secretary 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0, and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

You might consider playing around with the batch files in pursuit of more vigourous performance....!

Best of luck

Tech Support

Lab Report

Chap goes to the vet with his rather tatty mongrel. Vet puts the dog on the table and spends a few minutes examining it. Eventually he turns to the chap and says " Sorry, but your dog is dying."

The chap says "I don't believe you and want a second opinion."

The vet goes out the back door and returns a few minutes later with a beautiful Labrador on a lead.& He unhooks the lead and the dog jumps onto the table, sniffs the mongrels bum, licks its face then barks into the vets ear. "Sorry" says the vet, "but the Labrador has confirmed it. Your dog is dying."

"I still don't believe you and want a different opinion." the owner says.

The vet goes out the back door and returns a few minutes later with a cat in a basket. He undoes the basket and the cat emerges, stands on its hind legs and looks the mongrel up and down. The cat meows quietly into the vets ear.
"Sorry" says the vet, "but the cat has confirmed it. Your dog is dying."

The owner says "It can't be true. I want another opinion".

"Look" says the vet, "you've had the Lab report and the Cat scan.   What more do you want?"

Flavoured Condoms

A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Australian tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Australian blew a huge bubble.
"We don't. In Australia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand." The Aussie had a smirk on his face.

The Kiwi listened in silence.

The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't. In Australia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put
all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell to New Zealand."

The New Zealander then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?" The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile. "We don't. In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see Dr Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.Dr. Chang shook his held slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you nor af sex or dates."  Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"   Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."

Life Explained

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.  Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed. (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,
and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained!!

Y2Y compliant KY jelly

The makers of KY jelly have just announced that their product is year 2000 compliant. They have renamed the product to Y2KY.
It now allows you to insert 4 digits into the date where before you could only insert 2.

Mirror, mirror ...

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor!"
Again, there is a bright flash and...... both his legs fall off.

The Pirate

A man walks into a pub for beer and sees a real pirate standing at the end of the bar; peg-leg, right hand a hook and a patch over his left eye. He thinks to himself: "There could be a few good yarns here." Buys himself a beer and a rum for the pirate and strolls over to introduce himself. "Captain" says he " you must have been in a few fights?" "Ooh Aah, me heartie" replies said Pirate, "that I have." "Tell me: how did you come by your peg-leg?"
"Got caught by the Spanish, off the Main" says our Pirate "thrown overboard and lost me leg to a crocodile."
"And your hand, Captain, what happened there?"
"Aah, twas Black Beard, boarded the ship and in the fight his cutlass had me ‘and."
"Why that’s terrible! How did you lose your eye?"
"Shiver me timbers, we'd just set sail from Plymouth Sound, scarcely an hour out, when a flock of seagulls passes overhead. I looks up just as one shits straight in me left eye"
"I don't understand, you mean seagull -er- pooh ruined your eye?"
"No, you fool, you're forgetting, 'twas me first day with me hook!"

Fish for Dinner

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that fucker!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Head Mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the fucker!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the fucker!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whiskey and says, "You know, you wankers are alright."

The Elephant Joke

A man working at a printing press got the front of his overalls caught in the machinery and before either he or his colleagues could stop the machinery, it had pulled enough of the fabric into the mechanism that it had also mangled his manhood severely. Fortunately his quick-thinking friends put the remains on ice and rushed him to hospital. Eventually the man recovered consciousness. The surgeon informed him that after many hours of surgery, his surgical team had been unable to repair the damage and that he was now without. The only hope for him lay in the possibility of finding a suitable donor. However, that must occur within the next two weeks before the blood supply in the sensitive area died.

Some 13 days later, no suitable donor had been found and all were desperate. The surgeon advised him that his last hope appeared to be an elephant that seemed to be on its last legs at the zoo. Later that day, the surgeon reappeared and advised the man that the elephant had died but unfortunately it had genital warts and so was not a suitable donor. "But", said the surgeon, " we have saved the last two feet of its truck". The man was shocked but realised that this bizarre option was this only chance. The surgery went well and a month later the surgeon proposed a trial. The trial was to involve a high-class hooker, paid for by the health service, who would be briefed on the situation fully.

A few nights later the man and his "friend" went out to dinner. All was going exceptionally well when suddenly during the main course, an elephant truck appeared over the side of the table, leant across the table, snatched a bread roll and disappeared again under the table. Both man and woman were rather surprised at this turn of events but soon got back to their small talk and meal. Some five minutes later, the same thing happened again and another roll disappeared. As the conversation again got back under way the woman said boldly to the man "That was most impressive but do you think you could do the same trick with this vase of flowers?"

"I'm sure I could" replied the man, "but I'm really not sure that there's enough room up my arse for a vase of flowers as well as two bread rolls!"

Affairs

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.  After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"   The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of  Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!  "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this.  It has to be saved for posterity."   And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!"  she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT!", exclaimed the guy.  The barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!!!!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies,
"Same as what I'm doing to his business."

Four management lessons that suggest things are not always what they seem

One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"  The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Three:
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money. "And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.  All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refuse to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Four:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Somehow We Survived

If you lived as a child in the 60's or the 70's, looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.................

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

We would spend hours building our go-karts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No mobile phones. Unthinkable.

We played ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember
accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We ate junk and drank soda but we were never overweight.........we were always outside playing.

We shared one can of soda with four friends, from one can and no one died from this?

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal mobile phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms, ............... we had friends, went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We tried out for the First Team and not everyone made it. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment..... Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same year.....Horrors.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others that have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good?

'We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing'

The best you can do is break even